A young man proposed marriage to me after I passed the age of thirty. He smokes and drinks, and neglects prayer, but he honours his mother, treats people well and works hard.
My brothers agreed to him, but I feel that they are fed up because I am still with them and am not married.
Can I agree to marry him and try to change him for the better? Please tell me what I should do?.Praise be to Allaah.
Our answer to you will consist of three messages in which
there is advice: to them (your brothers), to the suitor and to you. This is
how we will answer your question.Firstly:
A message to your brothers:
1 – Allaah has commanded you to look for that which is in the
best interests of your sister in both religious and worldly terms, which
includes choosing a good husband who is suitable for your sister, and not
preventing her from marrying one who is suitable. You know that marriage
cannot be done without a wali (guardian), and that one of the most important
duties of the wali is to look for a good husband and make a good choice,
even if that means the guardian offering his sister or daughter in marriage
to righteous people. Marrying your sister to one who is not suitable or
preventing a suitable man from proposing marriage to her is a betrayal of
the trust with which Islam has entrusted you.2 – You should note that the Prophet (peace and
blessings of Allaah be upon him) has told you of the qualities to be found
in the man who is suitable for your sister, which may be summed up in two
characteristics: religious commitment and good character. These two
characteristics, in sha Allaah, will guarantee good and happiness for your
sister and her children. The one who is religiously committed will take care
of her rights and he will do what Allaah has commanded him to do towards her
and her children. He will encourage her to do good and obey Allaah, and will
warn her against evil and sin.His good character will prevent him from mistreating her, and
will make him continue to treat her well; if he dislikes one characteristic
in her, he will be pleased with another, so he will be patient in putting up
with any crookedness in her nature which Allaah has created in her, and if
he wants to leave her he will do so in a kind manner and will give her her
rights.3 – You should note that it is not permissible for you to
marry her to a kaafir, and it is not good for an evildoer to marry your
sister. Marriage to a kaafir means that the marriage is invalid, and
marriage to an evildoer is a betrayal of the trust and a failure to protect
her.The one who does not pray is not a Muslim. The fact that he
is a kaafir is mentioned in the Qur’aan and Sunnah, and that was the
consensus of the Sahaabah (may Allaah be pleased with them). The one who
prays but neglects prayer in congregation is an evildoer (faasiq). The one
who smokes is also an evildoer, as is the one who drinks alcohol, which is
the mother of all evils. Such a man should not be married and he cannot be
trusted to take care of his wife and protect her honour, and he cannot be
trusted to take care of his children.Allaah has made you the guardians in charge of arranging your
sister’s marriage, and He has enjoined upon you to fulfil the trust and be
sincere towards her in the best of ways. This means that you should find
out how religiously committed the one who proposes marriage to your sister
is, and how good his character is. If you find that he does not pray, then
do not give your sister in marriage to him, because by not praying he is a
kaafir. But you must advise him. If he is careless about praying on time or
he does not pray in congregation, or he drinks alcohol, then do not give
your sister in marriage to him either, because the trust requires you to
marry her to one whose religious commitment and character are good.4 –Fear Allaah with regard to your sister, and do not
mistreat her. Do not be upset by the delay in her getting married or her
remaining single. She is putting up with worries which we do not think that
you men could bear. Instead of that you should try to support her and help
her to be patient, and you should keep her good company, until she is
blessed with a righteous husband and good children who will give her good
company.Secondly:
Our message to the suitor:
1 – Remember that Allaah, may He be exalted, has judged the
one who does not pray to be a kaafir. The same is mentioned in the Sunnah,
and the companions of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be
upon him) were unanimously agreed upon that. Allaah says (interpretation of
the meaning):“But if they repent [by rejecting Shirk (polytheism) and
accept Islamic Monotheism], perform As-Salaah (Iqaamat-as-Salaah) and give
Zakaah, then they are your brethren in religion”[al-Tawbah 9:11]
It was narrated that Jaabir (may Allaah be pleased with him)
said: I heard the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be
upon him) say: “Between a man and shirk and kufr there stands his giving up
prayer.” Narrated by Muslim (82).‘Abd-Allaah ibn Shaqeeq said: The companions of the Prophet
(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) did not think that failing
to do any deed counted as kufr, except prayer. Narrated by al-Tirmidhi
(2622). If you are not praying, then you must repent from this deed and you
have to go back to praying regularly, as Allaah has enjoined you, at the
proper times fulfilling the conditions of prayer and doing all the
obligatory parts of prayer.2 – You should note that neglecting the prayer until the time
for it is over is one of the deeds for which Allaah has warned of
punishment. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):“Then, there has succeeded them a posterity who have given
up As‑Salaat (the prayers) [i.e. made their Salaat (prayers) to be lost,
either by not offering them or by not offering them perfectly or by not
offering them in their proper fixed times] and have followed lusts. So they
will be thrown in Hell”[Maryam 19:59]
“Those who delay their Salaah (prayer from their stated
fixed times)”[al-Maa’oon 107:5]
3 – As for alcohol, how evil it is. Allaah says
(interpretation of the meaning):“O you who believe! Intoxicants (all kinds of alcoholic
drinks), and gambling, and Al‑Ansaab (stone altars for sacrifices to false
gods) and Al‑Azlaam (arrows for seeking luck or decision) are an abomination
of Shaytaan’s (Satan’s) handiwork. So avoid (strictly all) that
(abomination) in order that you may be successful”[al-Maa’idah 5:90]
And the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of
Allaah be upon him) said: “Every intoxicant is khamr and every intoxicant is
haraam. Whoever drinks khamr in this world and dies when he is addicted to
it and has not repented, will not drink it in the Hereafter.” Agreed upon.And he (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said:
“Every intoxicant is haraam. Allaah has made a covenant that whoever drinks
intoxicants, He will give him to drink of the mud of al-khabaal.” They said:
O Messenger of Allaah, what is the mud of al-khabaal? He said: “The sweat of
the people of Hell, or the juice of the people of Hell.” Narrated by Muslim
(2002).And he said: “Khamr is the mother of all evils. Whoever
drinks it, his prayers will not be accepted for forty days, and if he dies
with that in his stomach he will have died a death of Jaahiliyyah.” Narrated
by al-Tabaraani, classed as hasan by al-Albaani.4 – You should note that smoking is haraam, and it destroys
wealth and the body. Allaah will ask you about your wealth and on what you
spent it. If smoking is the cause of your death then you will come under the
ruling on one who committed suicide, which is a major sin.5 – We appreciate your honouring your parents, especially
your mother. We also appreciate your good treatment of other people and your
attention to your work. But you must note that your not praying or your
shortcomings with regard to prayer, and the fact that you smoke, mean that
the guardians must refuse to marry you to their sister, and the woman must
refuse to accept you as a husband. We hope that you will review your deeds
and make all of them good and righteous, then you will deserve to be the
husband of a righteous woman, and you and she can build a righteous
household based on the Book of Allaah and the Sunnah of His Prophet
(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), and form a good and blessed
family.Thirdly:
Our message to you:
1 – We advise you to be patient and adhere steadfastly to the
truth, and we do not advise you to compromise on the issue of religious
commitment and good character in those who propose to you, even if you
remain unmarried for a long time. Women are weak by nature, and a woman may
marry a man who commits sins with the aim of guiding him, but many women
have failed in that. So do not follow this path which many have followed
before you, without succeeding. It is said that a woman follows the way of
her husband.2 – If your brothers want to insist on your marrying this
suitor, then they must understand why you are refusing to marry him, and
they should tell him frankly about that, and take a promise from him that he
will adhere to the laws of Allaah. That may be done with the knowledge of
his family, so as to ensure his seriousness about keeping his promise. There
should be a lapse of time to prove whether he is actually keeping his
promise, before the marriage contract is completed.3 – If we exclude his not praying, the other sins that he is
committing do not affect the validity of the marriage contract, but we
advise you to do that which is best. If you choose to marry him in spite of
all the problems he has, with the hope that he will be guided, that is up to
you. Rather we say this so that you will not think that marrying him – in
the latter case – is haraam, although we prefer for you to be patient and
make du’aa’, so that Allaah will give you a way out and send you a husband
who is better than him.4 – You should note that married life with one who is
religiously committed and of good character is a happy life in which a woman
can establish her household in accordance with Qur’aan and Sunnah, and
develop herself and raise her children in accordance with that which our
Lord loves and is pleased with. But a life with one who commits sin will
bring worries and distress and a focus on worldly matters, and a failure to
attain the pinnacle of good morals. Sin drags a person to further sin, until
his heart becomes blackened and he does not acknowledge anything good or
condemn anything bad. The one who is of good character and religiously
committed may occasionally do something bad, just as the one who commits sin
may occasionally do something good, but marriage, partnership, love and
brotherhood can only be based on that which is present and established, not
that which is hoped for or impossible.Shaykh Muhammad ibn Saalih al-‘Uthaymeen (may Allaah have
mercy on him) said:The most important characteristics for which a woman should
choose a suitor are good character and religious commitment. Wealth and good
lineage are secondary matters. The most important thing is that the suitor
should be religiously committed and of good character, because the woman
will not lose anything with a husband who is religiously committed and of
good character. If he keeps her, he will keep her on reasonable terms and if
he divorces her he will release her with kindness. Moreover the one who is
religiously committed and of good character will be a blessing for her and
her children, and she will learn good attitudes and religion from him. But
if he is not like that, then she should keep away from him, especially some
of those who are negligent about performing prayers or who are known to
drink alcohol – Allaah forbid. As for those who do not pray at all, they are
kuffaar and it is not permissible for them to marry believing women, and
they are not permissible for (believing women) either. What matters is that
the believing woman should focus on good character and religious commitment.
As for good lineage, if that is present too, then it is better, because the
Messenger (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “If there
comes to you one with whose religious commitment and character you are
pleased, then give (your daughter or female relative under your care) in
marriage to him.” But if they are socially compatible, that is better.Fataawa al-Mar’ah al-Muslimah
(2/702)And he (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:
If the suitor does not pray in congregation, then he is a
faasiq (evildoer) who is disobeying Allaah and His Messenger, and is going
against the consensus of the Muslims, which is that praying in congregation
is one of the best acts of worship. Shaykh al-Islam Ibn Taymiyah (may Allaah
have mercy on him) said in Majmoo’ al-Fataawa (23/222): The scholars
are unanimously agreed that it – i.e., praying in congregation – is one of
the most emphasized acts of worship, best acts of obedience, and greatest
symbols of Islam. End quote.But this evil deed does not put him beyond the pale of Islam,
so it is permissible for him to marry a Muslim woman, but someone else who
adheres more strictly to the religion and good attitudes is better than
him, even if he is less wealthy and of an inferior lineage, based on what is
said in the hadeeth: “If there comes to you one with whose religious
commitment and character you are pleased, then give (your daughter or female
relative under your care) in marriage to him.” They said: O Messenger of
Allaah, even if he has some fault? He said: “If there comes to you one with
whose religious commitment and character you are pleased, then give (your
daughter or female relative under your care) in marriage to him,” three
times. Narrated by al-Tirmidhi. And it is narrated in al-Saheehayn
and elsewhere from Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) that the
Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Women may be
married for four things: their wealth, their lineage, their beauty and their
religious commitment. Choose the one who is religiously-committed, may your
hands be rubbed with dust (i.e., may you prosper).”These two ahaadeeth indicate that the first things that
should be sought in both men and women are religious commitment and good
character. What the guardian who fears Allaah and takes his responsibility
seriously should do is to pay attention to the teaching of the Prophet
(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), because he will be asked about
that on the Day of Resurrection. Allaah says (interpretation of the
meaning):“And (remember) the Day (Allaah) will call to them, and
say: What answer gave you to the Messengers?”[al-Qasas 28:65]
“Then surely, We shall question those (people) to whom it
(the Book) was sent and verily, We shall question the Messengers.7. Then surely, We shall narrate unto them (their whole
story) with knowledge, and indeed We have not been absent”[al-A’raaf 7:6-7]
But if the suitor does not pray at all, whether in
congregation or alone, then he is a kaafir who is beyond the pale of Islam
who must be asked to repent. If he repents and starts to pray, then Allaah
will accept his repentance if it is sincerely for the sake of Allaah,
otherwise he should be executed as a kaafir and apostate, and he should be
buried somewhere other than the Muslim graveyard, without being washed or
shrouded or having the funeral prayer offered for him. The evidence that he
is a kaafir is to be found in the texts of the Book of Allaah and the Sunnah
of the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him).
– He quoted the evidence for the one who does not pray being a kaafir, then
he said:As it is clear from the texts of Qur’aan and Sunnah that the
one who does not pray is a kaafir whose kufr puts him beyond the pale of
Islam, it is not permissible for him to marry a Muslim woman, according to
the texts and scholarly consensus. Allaah says (interpretation of the
meaning):“And do not marry Al-Mushrikaat (idolatresses) till they
believe (worship Allaah Alone). And indeed a slave woman who believes is
better than a (free) Mushrikah (idolatress), even though she pleases you”[al-Baqarah 2:221]
“then if you ascertain that they are true believers send
them not back to the disbelievers. They are not lawful (wives) for the
disbelievers nor are the disbelievers lawful (husbands) for them”[al-Mumtahanah 60:10]
The Muslims are unanimously agreed upon what is indicated by
these two texts, that it is haraam for a Muslim woman to marry a kaafir.
Based on that, if he gives a woman whose guardian he is, whether his
daughter or anyone else, in marriage to a man who does not pray, the
marriage is not valid and the woman does not become permissible to that man
as the result of that marriage contract, because it is a contract which is
not in accordance with the command of Allaah and His Messenger. It is
narrated from ‘Aa’ishah (may Allaah be pleased with her) that the Prophet
(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Whoever does an
action that is not in accordance with this matter of ours will have it
rejected.”So if a marriage is to be annulled because the husband gives
up praying, unless he repents and comes back to Islam by praying, so what
about marrying someone who is already known not to pray?To sum up: with regard to this suitor who does not pray,
if he does not pray in congregation then he is a faasiq (evildoer) whose
evil deed does not make him a kaafir, and it is permissible to marry him in
that case, but one who is religiously committed and of good character is
better than him.If he does not pray at all, either in congregation or
alone, then he is a kaafir and apostate who is beyond the pale of Islam, and
it is not permissible for him to marry a Muslim woman under any
circumstances, unless he repents sincerely and starts to pray and adhere to
the religion of Islam.Majmoo’ Fataawa al-Shaykh Ibn ‘Uthaymeen
(12/question no 31).Seek the help of Allaah with patience, prayer and du’aa’, and
we ask Allaah to make you steadfast in obeying Him, and to bless you with a
righteous husband and good offspring.And Allaah knows best.
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